Are you a People Pleaser?
Hi SLPs, Do you go out of your way, doing things, saying things, so “they” won’t feel bad? If you are a people pleaser, you are probably a super, awesome, kind person, but there is an icky side to “people pleasing”. The truth is that if you are going out of your way to “make” people happy at the expense of yourself. There are a few things you are actually doing that you may not be aware of. I know I had no clue.
I thought I was being nice
When I first started, I worked with an SLP that nicely demanded I plan with her at a certain time every week. I cheerfully agreed. Then, our “planning” sessions started dragging longer. She talked, and talked, and talked. I was flattered, she wanted to chat. I smiled and listened. If I’m honest, I did not want to spend an hour hearing about her problems. Eyeroll. I kept listening. Encouraged her. Tried to “be there” for her.
Meanwhile the stress mounted inside me.
I wasn’t getting any actual planning done. This went on for THE WHOLE SCHOOL YEAR, PEOPLE. When I left our “planning sessions”, I was exhausted, overwhelmed. I was mad at myself, annoyed with her. Giving up time I desperately needed to work on my own never ending tasks. I had given up tons of mental energy in an effort to be nice. I would say to myself, I HAVE to be nice to her. I was attempting to “be nice” to her at the expense of myself. Then, inside, I blamed and resented her and my job for “making” me feel so bad. And another thing- if my job wasn’t so stressful at least I could breathe. (yes, I was actually telling myself I couldn’t breathe. I was, in fact, breathing.) Good times! I should have just said NO. Ideas for saying no- here.
It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t my job’s fault.
Turns out. I really didn’t want that person as a friend. I wasn’t showing up as myself with her. There was absolutely nothing she did wrong. She was perfectly herself and a nice person in general. I wasn’t being true to myself. I really wanted to be home with my husband or getting my work done. Tell yourself the truth.
We want to be fabulous and we want everyone to like us. We want to be nice. At least we want people to think we are nice. I’m a nice, caring person- dammit!
If you are doing something at the expense of your own self-care or goals- you are people pleasing.
Being a people pleaser actually means
You are controlling. huh!? You are manipulating. What!?
What? I’m not controlling or manipulating, I’m trying to be nice. I know. I was shocked too when I realized I was doing this. We attempt to control what others think about us. That is an impossible feat my friend. This habit will zap your time and mental energy. You’ll be wondering why you are so exhausted. Frustrated, not getting to do what you really wanted to do.
We don’t do it intentionally, but be aware of pleasing people. Maybe you don’t do it at work, you might with your family or friends.
I’m not saying you should go around acting like a jerk.
Make sure you are consciously choosing what you want to do. Take some time to think about your priorities. For example, I really make an effort to do all of my paperwork-at work. Sometimes I cut my conversations short. Purposefully align your daily actions with the outcomes you want for yourself. Otherwise you might be doing things at the expense of yourself; a ticket straight to burnout, resentment and overwhelm.
We teach people how to treat us. Teach them that you are a person who takes care of yourself.
Are you making time to take care of yourself? I help SLP’s like you learn to do just that. Check it out,
In my personalized, 1:1, 40-day Stop Dreading Mondays Program for SLPs, I teach concrete, actionable strategies to:
- Get out of a rut
- Significantly reduce anxiety
- Effectively deal with long to-do lists
- Tame the paperwork beast
- Stop running out of time for the important stuff
- Deal with difficult people and systems
- Stop feeling unsure of yourself
- Prevent being sucked in by overwhelm
